I was there alone but I wasn’t lonely. Strangely, the presence of my own voice was comforting. Sometimes, I liked it for adoring the things I thought were beautiful. Sometimes, I hated it for looking down on me. It was there and it’ll always be, the way darkness stays with light. The way night lives along with stars.

I’ve always found a solace in stillness and it has always felt like the echo of my soul. Calming and soothing. If I could drown myself, I’d plunge into depths of my own voice. I closed my eyes. I was already gasping for air.

The silent water touching me was resisting and heavy. Did it want to go away from me as much as i wanted to? I was an ocean and I drowned myself in it. I was sinking down, going farther away from surface, away from light ;with a heaviness as that of a regret. I could cry and itd be nothing. I could shout and it’d be nothing. The only thing I could feel was this water, this silence and my own voice. I surrendered myself to it and it consumed me.

The voice of my thoughts touched me like silence. I always thought it was my mind with a a depth this beautiful and daunting. I always thought it must be the cruelty of my mind to think about everything that could make him hurt. But all along it was my heart /soul. It’s always your soul that speaks to you.

It speaks to you when you’re touched so deeply that you can’t describe anything. When you look at a pair of eyes that are more than brown, and somewhere you know that they’re a melange of honey and cinnamon. When you’re broken and you think it’s like a shattered piece of mosaic. It’s broken but it’s beautiful.

You know how emotions feel and that makes you think. I could be like this forever and always. Drowned, alwasted and lost. I could be lost and there’d be no one to find me. But at least id find myself. I’d know myself and discover these depths of my own soul. I could do that but I’m scared. If I could ga far enough, I might even find a shipwreck. A remnant of an unwanted storm. A day when life wasn’t what it was always supposed to be. I’d find memories of someone who isn’t there. I open my eyes and the whole world comes to life* . Light blinds me. I’m still drenched and dead in the trail of silence. It still resonates within me even when I have escaped.

*a slight reference to Sylvia Plath’s poem mad girl’s love song. I’ll mention it my poems column soon. Check it out later